Watching Us Die Tonight

Before anything else, I'd like to inform everyone that the blog title is taken from the title of the bonus track from Bullet For My Valentine's latest album "Scream Aim Fire", since I can't think of a decent title. Thought of a title, yes, but I think that title sucks so I decided to not publish this with that title. Damn BFMV kicks ass!

As a kid, I think my parents inadvertedly taught me to be Niccolo Machiavelli. They taught me that the end justifies the means (he [dad] says the opposite now, but he sure as hell taught me the opposite back then), and they want the "end" to be their offspring growing up to be good & productive citizens of this country, this world as well. But even if their means are quite effective, if I do say so myself, they're also quite inhumane. Well, let's just say I was raised to like a non-human animal destined to win in a talent contest. I get a tasty treat from my "trainers" whenever I do things right, but whenever I do something wrong, well... You know what happens.

Back then (first grade?), I made a promise to myself, a promise that involves something (very) long term. The plan was to take advatage of my resources (need I explain this part?), work my ass off at school, get the F out of this house as soon as I can, be successful (in my chosen field, with Pro Wrestling* aside), and when it's their turn to be the dependents (as much as possible, them being at my turf), I'd make them "feel" what they've done to me (in a way) when I was still their dependent (with pleasure), without sacrificing the urge of just being myself, and having fun. Everything was sailing smoothly, until I started realizing shit (includes my present religious beliefs). I started to expect something I should've been receiving since day 1, something that could've restituted all those fake smiles, half-meant laughs, and self-centered and self-supplied happiness, with pure joy, bliss even, something that I was deprived of my entire life.

*FEI (For Everyone's Information): When I was a little boy, aside from being a world-renowned chef and a Five-star hotel and/or restaurant owner, and an astronaut, I also wanted to become a professional wrestler in the WWE.

All those thoughts started to crowd my brain, hence the limited thinking efficiency, which made thinking take more time, or even made me make erroneous decisions. I have officially became stupid that time, even with my "brain (cerebral) atrophy", which was caused by lack of brain-stimulating activities and educational television programming (damn, I miss the Discovery Channels) aside.

Last month, I've started working on my new plan, which involves dealing with the crappy parents until I finish my studies and get the F out of this place, and just getting over the fact that I've given more than enough chances but they still wouldn't ever change. Long term plan: check. Short term plan is just trying to matter while I'm at it. I want to be more aware of my surroundings so I don't essentially get left out. I want to be more open, I want people to not be intimidated (afraid, perhaps?) to approach me. I want to be more outgoing, trying things that I was too much of an ass to try out then. I want to make other (yes, other) people happy with what I am and what I have to offer, in any means that I could, without expecting, anything in reciprocation. I want to be who I was back in [senior] high school, minus the "I'm just going to be myself explicitly. I don't care whether you'll like me or not, period." part (with some cases taken into consideration). I've started to commit myself to this by cutting my hair short,

BEFORE
AFTER

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BEFORE

AFTER

and starting this blog, but I think the real start here would be the first day of school, this semester. CAN'T WAIT! Oh, wait, I kind of forgot about the problem I've recently had. Oh well, if I was to be given another (my last, I suppose) chance, I'd sure as hell be motivated to put all these things to action.

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Woah, first post to be written completely (modified as I type, of course) in my notebook (which I'll tell you guys about later), while lying on my bed! That's so, F-in'...

AWESOME.